Time On Fire Read online

  TIME ON FIRE

  JENNIFER COLE

  It was cold on the day of the funeral. Guests arrived covered in snow and ice. Laura stood at the front of the funeral parlor all day thanking people for coming to pay their condolences to her late husband, Tom. It was a closed casket. His death was far too gruesome for Laura to allow people to see. He was around fire almost every day, and it wasn't surprising that he burned to death after getting caught at the scene of a fire. He was always too brave for his own good. It's what made him a great firefighter, but it didn't always make him the best husband.

  In fact, Laura and Tom were having problems before he died. He was not great at opening up, and it made communication a huge issue in their relationship. It was the main problem in their short four-year marriage. Laura just wanted to know what he was thinking and how he was feeling, but she felt so shut out. She told him over and over again that she needed to hear him say how he felt about her and their life together, but he just couldn't seem to express himself. Just hours before she learned of the horrible accident, Laura was on the phone with a divorce lawyer discussing the process.

  Everyone held Laura and gave her sad looks. She felt guilty, and she felt like she didn't deserve the sympathy. If only these people knew what was really going on! If only they had seen him that one night they might look sympathetic for another reason.

  Laura and Tom grew up together. They went to the same middle school and the same high school. They were in different circles in school, though. Tom was a part of the cool group. He dates gorgeous girls, and he was in three different sports throughout the year. Laura, on the other hand, was a bit more reserved. She was going through an awkward phase that never seemed to hit Tom. She had zits, and she thought that she was fat. She always had a crush on Tom, but she never had the courage to dare talk to him. They would smile politely at each other in the hall since they had known each other for so long, but that was it. Laura got much more confident after college. She lost weight, she felt accomplished, and she didn't have those darn pimples anymore. When she came home and saw Tom in his firefighter uniform, she wasn't afraid to go say hi. Two weeks later they were an official couple and about two years after that, they were married.

  Looking back, Laura honestly couldn't remember why they got along so well. The physical attraction was definitely there, but she couldn't think of anything else.

  “I'm so terribly sorry for your loss,” a voice said.

  “Huh? Oh, yeah. It's been quite a couple of days,” Laura responded automatically.

  “He was just so young.”

  “He was a very brave man. Thank you for coming.”

  “Well, honey, you know he's up there waiting for you.”

  “I like to think so. Yes.”

  The one thing that they don't tell you when you lose a family member is how darn repetitive it is. Laura couldn't actually say what she felt. She couldn't say that she was exhausted from making the arrangements, she couldn't say that she was bored of the funeral all ready, and she couldn't say that she was a tiny bit happy that it ended this way instead of divorce. She kept her grieving smile on, and she went through the proceedings like the mourning wife she was.

  A young man who arrived by himself walked up to Laura and gave her a hug.

  “It's such a travesty what happened,” the man said. Laura was surprised by his affection. He seemed so touched by Tom's death. To be honest, it was the first time that Laura felt sad throughout the day. She wanted to hug him and comfort him.

  “It was quite unexpected,” Laura said.

  “My name is Gary. I'd really like to get together sometime,” the man said. “We both worked at the fire station. He was always the prankster, as you know. However, he had a big heart, too. I have a couple things that I”d like to share with you.”

  “That would be nice,” Laura said. She never meant it.

  When the day was finally over and she was able to go back home, the house felt different. It had a ghost in it. This used to be Laura and Tom's home. Laura and Tom's home didn't exist anymore, though, because Laura and Tom didn't exist. Their little suburban starter home was not filled with the hope and future plans that it once had. Laura tried to lay in the large king-sized bed, and she couldn't sleep. The next day, she put a For Sale sign in the front yard.

  “And where are you planning to go?” Laura's mother asked when Laura told her the news.

  “I don't know, ma. I'll go somewhere that I've never been. See things that I've never seen. Be someone that I am not.”

  “You can't run away from your problems, Laura.”

  “I'm not running away from my problems. I have nothing here for me. My job is a dead-end, and I don't have family or many friends. We moved here because this is the station that they assigned Tom. Now, I can go wherever I want. I have nothing holding me back.”

  “You make it sound like Tom was holding you back.”

  “You know that's not what I meant, ma.”

  “Well, you now you're always welcome back home if you need some time to figure things out. Your father is on the golf course almost every day, and I have my gardening. We won't be in your hair too much.”

  “I don't want to impose. Besides, I”ll be there in two weeks for Aunt Lilly's birthday.”

  “Well, take care of yourself, dear. I love you.”

  “I love you too, mom.”

  Laura sat down in her living room by herself with a glass of wine and a blanket over her. Her dog, Daisy, laid down at her feet sleeping. At least Daisy was there to help her feel less alone. It was a feeling that she was slowly getting used to. It was a feeling that was both terrifying and liberating at the same time. In a quick blur of just a couple of weeks, the house sold much more quickly than Laura anticipated, and the new family paid extra to move in as quickly as possible. Before she knew it, she had movers putting everything into storage temporarily, and she was off to who knows where.

  *****

  Laura sat in her car with Daisy in the passenger seat and a backseat full of suitcases. She tapped the steering wheel and looked around her with absolutely no idea of where to go. She was just blocks from her house, ready to leave her old life behind, but she didn't really plan for her new life that well. Eventually, Laura took a breath and started driving. She always liked Florida. She also liked Texas. There was Louisiana. Maybe she would go to Washington. Or Vermont. She liked skiing. Everything was so uncertain, but she just drove hoping to find an answer soon enough.

  Laura drove for two days. She wasn't heading anywhere in particular, and she backtracked a bit. She spent nights in hotels and took breaks a couple of times a day to take long walks with Daisy.

  Finally, she found a spot. She didn't even know what state she was in at first. She knew that she had been heading south for a very long time, and she was noticing the smell of barbecue and grass in the air. Everything was green, and there were more stars in the sky than she had ever seen. She was in a small town with a lot of small houses and shops. Everything looked old, and the roads were quiet. She drove around slowly looking for a motel or at least a diner. She could start looking for a house soon enough. Right now, she just wanted to get some sleep and some food and decide if this is where she wanted to build up a new life.

  Laura found the Kentucky Suites on one of the main roads in town. It looked nice enough for her at the moment. She checked in. The room wasn't anything special, but it had a large, comfortable bed, a television, mini-fridge, ironing board, and it was clean. Plus, the facilities had laundry, an exercise room, a pool, and a hot tub. Laura decided that she was sick of driving aimlessly, and Laura paid for the room for a week in advance. She put away all of her clothes and sat in her room unsure of exactly what to do now. She knew that she should go explore the t
own and maybe start looking for a job, but she couldn't get herself to leave the hotel room. She ordered Chinese food and stayed inside thinking of Tom.

  She hated Tom, but that didn't mean that he didn't consume her thoughts. Now that she was alone with her thoughts, all she thought about were the last days of her relationship with Tom. Laura found the text messages about a month before he died. Tom was sleeping and his phone continued to go off. Laura checked to see who it was before she woke Tom up. He was at the fire station for the last forty-eight hours, and she didn't want to disturb him. She decided that she had to wake him up when she saw who was calling him, though: his lover.

  “Who the hell is Kathy?”

  “Huh?” Tom asked groggily.

  “Who the hell is Kathy?”

  “She's a friend,” Tom said. “I'm going back to sleep. I'm tired.”

  “Oh? She's a friend? Why is she calling you 'baby'?”

  “What? I don't now, Laura. Jesus, will you let me sleep?”

  “No. You better tell me what the hell is going on!”

  “There's nothing going on, Laura. You're crazy!”

  “Fine. I”ll just talk to her,” Laura said. “I'll answer.”

  Tom jumped up from the bed and grabbed his phone from Laura's hand harshly.

  “You will not touch my stuff without my permission!” Tom said. “There's no reason for this!”

  “I'm not just going to let you cheat on me! I knew that we were having problems, but did it really have to come to this?” Laura asked.

  “You're crazy!” Tom screamed.

  Laura had never felt so horrible in her entire life. Was she not good enough for Tom? Did he not enjoy their sex together? Was the other girl prettier? Did he love the other girl? Was this the end of their family?

  They spent the entire night arguing. Laura knew that he was cheating with the girl, but Tom refused to admit that he had done anything wrong. The fight went around in circles and circles. Laura started getting even more angry about Tom's refusal to talk. He tried to leave the room and the conversation every time that he got a chance. Laura would chase after him and try to get him to talk about the problem. He refused. The fight quickly turned into their repeated fight about his lack of communication. Tom left that night, and he stayed at a hotel. Soon, he came back, but they didn't talk. They lived with each other in silence. Tom would sleep in the spare room, and Laura would avoid him. The house became quiet. Dinners were quiet. They didn't bring anybody over.

  Laura sat in her hotel room with take-out and tried everything she could to avoid the horrible thoughts filling her mind. She was still angry and still hurt. She hated Tom, but she missed him in the same way that she missed him before he died. Everything was so permanent now. She'd never be able to forgive him. She'd never be able to forgive herself.

  *****

  Laura woke up the next morning determined to move on. She was going to have to head out into town and start living her life again. She woke up, showered, got dressed, and she had some of the hotel's complimentary breakfast which consisted of orange juice, milk, coffee, muffins, and bagels. She went out into town to go explore, but she didn't really know where to go. She simply walked around to learn what was in town. There were a number of restaurants, stores, bars, and houses. It wasn't a big town, but it had a definite presence. The entire town was very country. It was new to Laura who had always lived in the suburbs. The air smelled cleaner, people smiled and waved, and people wore different clothes. They wore simple clothes, and children were playing outside instead of the kids in the suburbs who were on their computer or Xbox all day. Laura slightly cringed when she saw the firehouse in town.

  Laura finally found a small diner in town and decided to get some coffee and read the help wanted ads in the paper.

  “Hello!” a young woman smiled when Laura walked inside. “Will it just be you today?”

  “Yes, ma'am,” Laura said. “It's just me today.” Laura was not used to going to a restaurant by herself. She usually had Tom with her, her mother, or one of her friends. She felt lonely.

  “Well, come over here. Can I get you some coffee?” the young woman asked. She was a small girl who looked like she was barely out of high school. She wore jeans and a tee shirt with her apron.

  “Yes. Please just a cup of coffee today, and I will take a local paper if you have it.”

  “Absolutely!” the young woman said. “Are you new in town? Or just visiting? I haven't seen you before.”

  “I'm new in town. Thinking of settling down here if I find the right gig,” Laura said. “So here I am looking.”

  Laura sat down at the booth that the young woman had led her to and waited patiently for her coffee and paper. The diner was small, but it looked like a popular place for people in town to eat at on a Sunday morning. There were plenty of men and families scattered throughout the restaurant.

  “Here you go,” the young woman said. “Here's your coffee and your paper. My name is Jenny. I'll be back to refill your coffee in a little bit.”

  “Thanks, Jenny,” Laura smiled. She opened the paper to the help wanted section, and she quickly realized that this was not the town for someone to get a new job. There were few opportunities, and Laura definitely wasn't qualified for most of them. She wasn't going to work in a warehouse or on a farm. She had a degree in English. That was when she saw the job opportunity for a high school teacher just one town over. Laura had gotten her teaching certificate because she figured it would be a good backup plan in case she didn't use her history degree for anything else. Laura ripped out the ad from the paper, and she finished her coffee picturing her new life as a teacher in a rural town in Kentucky. The more she looked around, the more she was liking the idea. She decided that she would spend the day sprucing up her resume, enjoy the hot tub and the pool, and turn in the resume tomorrow.

  When she pulled up back into the hotel parking lot, she saw a familiar face by the entrance. She barely recognized him at first. It was the man who hugged her at the funeral. What would he be doing here? He seemed to recognize her, too. As soon as he saw her, he ran to her.

  “You are not an easy woman to track down!” the man said.

  Laura didn't know how to react. Why would he want to track her down so badly?

  “Hi,” Laura said. She was almost afraid. “I'm surprised to see you again.”

  “You know, you are beautiful. More beautiful than Tom ever described.”

  “That doesn't surprise me,” Laura retorted. “He didn't really have a lot of appreciation for me when he was alive.”

  “I know that he did, though.”

  “Well, that's interesting because I never heard him tell me,” Laura said.

  The two were still outside of the hotel. Laura didn't appreciate where the conversation was going.

  “Look, this is getting a bit heated. Let's go somewhere to talk,” Gary said.

  “And what do we have to talk about?” Laura asked.

  “I was there the night that Tom died. I know that he'd like me to talk to you. That's why I was so determined to find you.”

  “Fine. There's a lake that I noticed down the road. We can go and talk there.”

  The lake was quiet. There was a gentle sound of water, and you could hear a cricket chirping every now and then. Laura and Gary sat down on the grass and both looked out at the lake.

  “We were headed for divorce,” Laura said.

  “He mentioned that things weren't going that great,” Gary smiled.

  “Did he tell you the reason that we were going to get a divorce?” Laura asked.

  “He mentioned that there was something going on. That he was talking to another girl and you found out,” Gary said.

  “That's a nice way to say that he's a cheating jerk. I'm only sad that he died before I was able to kill him myself,” Laura snarled.

  “I understand why you're angry, but it's over now. I also know he loved you.”

  “How could you possibly know that? Cheating o
n me wasn't a way to show me love. Refusing to talk to me wasn't how to show me love.”

  “I was with him that night.”

  “What night?” Laura asked.

  “The night of the fire. It was one of the most horrible moments of my life. He was blockaded in the room. It only happened because the fire burned down a part of the ceiling and trapped him in the room. There was too much fire in between us. I wanted to help him, but he insisted that I had to get out before we both died. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.”

  “I'm sorry that you had to go through that. You don't understand, though. Just because he was a firefighter who died in an accident, it doesn't take away from the pain from him cheating,” Laura said. “It was horrible. I will never trust another person again.”

  “He wasn't cheating on you,” Gary said. “He was talking to a friend about your problems. He couldn't open up to you. He was intimidated by you. He thought that you were brilliant, funny, and attractive. He was worried t hat if he talked to you that you would realize that he was beneath you.”

  “I don't believe you. If that was the case, he would have just shown me what he and Kathy were talking about,” said Laura.

  “He was a quiet guy. He wasn't really one to open up. You know that. Kathy is another firefighter, Laura. She's a lesbian. It was one of the only people that he could buddy up with and talk to.”

  “Imagine how it feels to know that your own husband can't open up to you,” Laura said.

  “He told me to apologize to you. He told me that he loved you. When he was stuck in the room, he told me to tell you that he loved you more than anything in this entire world. He apologized for not opening up to you. He said that he would be waiting for you,” Gary said. Laura didn't say anything. “I know it was important to him for you to hear this, so I had to find you,”

  Laura continued to stare out at the lake in silence. She didn't know how to respond. She thought that he was cheating this entire time. She started to feel an intense amount of guilt. Instead of enjoying their last month together, they barely spoke. Laura realized then that her last words to him were “those are mine” referring to the bottles of water in the fridge. Tears fell down her face.